Hope it's nice where you are.

worth reading, i think:

so guys
i guess it’s about time i let ya know
i was in the final round of auditions for a TV show coming up on abc this summer
only 40 people were selected to be apart of this round
but uhhh i was rejected
but at least i was rejected by a legendary musician himself
he literally saw my face and heard my voice

feeling pretty blessed and happy
i mean, i know i didn’t get it
but wow, to be in the top 40 of thousands of applicants/hopefuls?
not many can say that

so cool
and i’ll let ya’ll know what show it is when it airs

until then,
laterrrr

ughh i’m so tired
and hungry
and every single thing is pissing me off today
and i’m the crankiest i’ve ever been
i have a headache
i’m just complaining so much and that pisses me off too
i’m on pins and needles because of reasons
my STUPID STUPID PROFESSOR KEEPS TALKING ABOUT CHURN
i need to do so many things before school ends
so many things
my dad will kill me because i probably won’t find a subleaser
scratch that, two subleasers
i should have bought a lotto ticket
i fucking need a shower
have to tell kids to study abroad at 9pm tonight and wow i don’t want to
also i really don’t want to go to my exam review but it’s my favorite prof
and i bombed the exam
and i’m SO OUT OF IT
you know that thing that people say, “it’s more likely to run into someone you don’t want to when you look like shit”?
yeah that happened today
i think i’m shaky but i can’t tell
i wish everything wasn’t so unsaid about everything in my life
can someone just bring me food and watch movies with me?

that’s all on my mind for now…

Thoughts.

I think, in general, people need to be treated like they matter. Especially if they matter to you, the reader.

Some people can be very, very intuitive. I’m one of them. I can tell when people treat me differently, even if it’s subtly. And if I can notice these small quirks, others can too.

The gist?
My two cents are that you should treat people as people. Not as a notch on your belt. Not as an option, or a game that you like to play. Treat people like something that can break, treat them like their happiness and your happiness are co-dependent. Treat them like they are important. That is, if they are important to you.

No one likes to feel worthless. And people can tell when they lost their worth to someone. Trust me.

Unnamed Letter #13.

I miss being your friend. So much.
I miss when I could tell you everything and we could talk.
We can’t anymore. And we have both of us to blame.
You were my best friend. It’s hard to admit that we probably won’t ever be that close again.
I never ever pushed you away. You assumed. You didn’t even try to think that maybe what people were saying wasn’t true. And I never said I didn’t want you in my life.

I miss you. That’s all I’m trying to say.
I hope the people you surround yourself with appreciate you.
I’m sorry I’m not one of them.

80 pages.

That’s how many pages of my journal are filled.
I think that’s the most I’ve written, ever…
Why is that? How is this year different for any other year?
I didn’t even have a resolution to write in my journal, at least not like previous years.
The first page of my journal on January 3rd, 2011 reads this,

“So, my first entry isn’t on January 1st, but that doesn’t bother me. I want to write in this journal when something worth remembering comes along: Like when I’m hurt, because I’ll learn from it. Or when a guy actually sweeps me off my feet, because I’m too stubborn to admit it to anyone but myself. This journal isn’t meant for daily activity. I’m actually kind of hoping this journal acts as a happy memory when I’m older. But, if I’m going to be honest, I’m not expecting much from 2011 at all… except happiness. I don’t need to say things like, “I want a boyfriend” or “a year that’s better than all the ones prior”, because is that REALLY what matters? I’ve grown up a lot this past year, and I hope to continue to do so. I think my biggest aspiration is to be the best version of myself. I can do it. But other than that, I think the rest of my year will just fall into place.

Big things will happen in 2011.”

80 pages later and here I am.
I think my life has fallen into place. I’m happy about how everything is going.
It’s just interesting that I can read myself picturing how my year will go… now that it’s almost finished.

“No need for revenge. Just sit back and wait. Those who hurt you will eventually screw up themselves. And if you’re lucky, God will let you watch.”

“And if you’re lucky, God will let you watch”?

Call me crazy, but I don’t think God thinks that way. I don’t think that’s how God works.
Yes, it’s unfortunate and heartbreaking when people hurt us, but God isn’t malicious. He’s not going to wait until these people screw up their entire lives to show us how they’re doing.
This whole statement really irks me, actually.
The whole, “Eye for an eye” thing is so old testament. We shouldn’t think about revenge or karma, or anything.
PRAY for those who hurt you. PRAY that they’ll understand the pain you went through.
But don’t wait and hope that you’ll see them fail, that you’ll see the hurt as badly as you did.
If you can remember how that felt, why would you wish it on someone else?

People are the worst. Even the “good” people. We have so much bad in us.
I’m lucky enough to have God save me from my ways.

Unnamed Letter #12.

Okay, you need to realize one thing.
You don’t know me. You knew me for a short time a long time ago. That can’t justify any feelings you have towards me. You like the idea of me. That’s it.
And the very last thing I want to do is hurt you… but this has got to stop.
I’m not yours. I will never be yours. Please understand that.

I know what you said was directed towards me to some extent… and calling me a bitch won’t help you win me over. It’ll just ensure that I’m making the right decision.

You’ll find someone who’s right for you. I’m just not that girl.

Maybe I’m alone in this, but I don’t think when things end, people forget.
I think people, regardless of whoever ended the relationship you had, remember.

Remembering isn’t feeling.
It doesn’t have to be emotional, contrary to what many may believe.
I remember a lot. I remember everything. But do I emotionally feel attached to everything? No.

Things end. People’s feelings change. But they never forget. Not really.